With everyone getting all hyped up about Star Wars III, I thought this would be appropriate (a parody of the "wear sunscreen" column). Just change Episode I to Episode III. [see the original article]
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Star Wars Episode 1 Merchandising would be it.
The long term profits from buying Star Wars merchandising have been consistently stated by collectors, who's "Wookie with bowcaster still in its original box" is now worth enough to put all their kids through college, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your Death Star. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your Death Star until its been blown up, twice.
But trust me, as you tumble down the shaft towards the main reactor you'll look back and realize that putting a lid on that exhaust port would have solved this whole problem in the first place.
You are not a Jedi yet, young Skywalker.
Don't worry about the fact that young Anakin and Queen Amidala are supposed to do-it in the next film. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as the world and his dog telling Lucas the Jar Jar sucks.
The real troubles in the next film are likely to be plot and casting choices that you'd have never made yourself in a drunken fit.
Go and see the film once a day until it bores you.
Sing along with the theme tune.
Quit moaning about how certain aliens sound like Japanese or Jamaicans. Don't put up with people who can't quit moaning about it.
Do or do not, there is no try.
Don't waste your time betting on Sebulba.
Sometimes Anakin was ahead and sometimes he was behind. The race was long, but you knew, in the end, he had to win it.
Keep the good bits of the films and edit out the mindless dross. If you succeed in doing this, please send me a copy.
Keep your old film posters. Throw away your old cinema tickets.
Trust in the force.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know when you're going to grow up and get a life. The most interesting people I know were having lightsaber battles with their friends at 22. And at age 50, George Lucas owns half of California.
If you're a stormtrooper, get plenty of your mates before trying ANYTHING!
Learn to speak over 3000 languages yourself and shoot your protocol droid. Believe me, you won't miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll finish what you've begun, maybe you wont Maybe you'll become a Jedi, maybe you wont.
Maybe you'll reach your 800th birthday, but look this good you will not.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself too harshly. Your choices are half guided by the force and so are everybody else's.
Enjoy the force. Stretch out with your feelings. Don't be afraid of what some burnt out old smuggler who can do the Kessle run in under 3 parsecs might think of you. He's just jealous.
Dance, even if you have nowhere else to do it than at the end of a long chain in Jabba's palace.
Ignore the person who has a bad feeling about this, everybody else does.
Don't ever read the reviews in film magazines. They'll only tell you what some bitter old has-been film critic thought.
Get to know your family. Or run the risk that the girl you're trying to score and your arch enemy will turn out to be your sister and your father.
Be nice to wookies. They're seven feet tall, bad tempered and you never know when they might rip off your arms and beat you to death with the wet bit.
Understand that blockbusters come and go, but with a precious few flics you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps of credibility and consistency, because the older you get, the more you're going to think that everything they release these days is crap.
Live on Alderan once, but leave before it gets blown to smithereens. Live on Tatooine once, but leave before you become a moisture farmer.
Drool at the special effects.
Accept certain inalienable truths: plots will have inconsistencies, special effects will take priority over script, and the comic sidekick will annoy the hell out of you. And when he does, you will fantasize that when you were young, plots were always consistent, the scripts were so sharp you could cut yourself and the comic sidekicks were NEVER as bad as Jar Jar.
Worship Bobba Fett.
Don't expect to beat the rebel alliance. Maybe you'll have 20 of your best legions on the surface Endor moon. Maybe you'll have the entire star fleet and a frikin Death Star in orbit around it. But you never know when 200 furry Muppets and a fleet of space gypsies are going to blow you all to hell.
Don't mess with Obi-Wan Kenobi, or by the time your 40, you'll sound like someone who breaths with the aid of a dustbuster.
Be careful which films you buy the directors cut of, but be patient with the directors that supply them. Releasing a directors cut, wide-screen, remastered edition is a form of rip-off. Dispensing it is a way of taking the same move, adding in 30 seconds of extra footage and selling it to the same bunch of spineless zombies that bought the last 5 editions.
But trust me on the merchandising...